Over being crunchy

You might be old school CRUNCHY if (in bold)…

  1. You refuse to eat the homemade, organic, locally sourced granola in the glass jar because it has a PLASTIC LID. You lament when the Life cereal is out. Of course they left a box of crumbs.
  2. You’ve given up tampons. You got an ablation.
  3. You are constantly making changes and reading articles about food. You’re pretty much over it. Whatever is on sale that everyone will eat is how you make your menu.
  4. You’ve givenbirth in a bath tub… on purpose. You are aware that bathtubs are too small and the inflatable tubs mostly suck too. Rubbermaid stock tank, Old school aquadoula or the highest end inflatables are the best options if you are having an indoor waterbirth.
  5. Your “medicine cabinet” is full of EOs and herbs. The herbs are too old to use and you need new. You are out of your favorite EO’s
  6. You know what family cloth is. You know that family cloth is not worth being that socially weird.
  7. You’ve triedNo Poo. See 6
  8. You make your owndeodorant, toothpaste, body butter or shampoo. People don’t?
  9. You make anyDIY body care products see 8
  10. You take yard eggs and raw milk with you when you go on vacation. On vacation, you only visit people who have raw milk and yard eggs.
  11. When people give you birthday gifts, they wrap them in reusable shopping bags. They quit wrappying years ago becuase you have too many reusable shopping bags.
  12. They just give you reusable bags. You refuse reusable bags- you have too many.  See 11. 
  1. You drink that kombucha that you left a little too long and is a little too strong because, darn it,  you put the effort into making it. You are done eating stuff that tastes like crap regardless of effort spent. You have also gone way beyond kombucha.
  2. When someone is bleeding you run to the spice cabinet for cayenne or turmeric. You no longer run. If it bleeds enough you don’t have to wash it out.
  1. When you constantly look at plants wherever you are to see what jewel could be harvested. You are so over having drying vegetation all over your house and order off Amazon.
  1. You won’t putanything on your body you wouldn’t eat.  You are smeaking out of the house to get fast food and making sure all evidence including smells are eliminated from the car and check your teeth before you exit .
  2. You squirt breast milk in your kids eye to clean an eye infection. You weaned a long time ago Your kids wash their hands on their own and know not to put stuff in their eyes.
  3. You know what tandem nursing is. You are giving advice to tandem nursing moms 16 years after weaning from triple nursing.
  4. Your bathroom shelves are full of kitchen ingredients (bonus if you know whatoil cleansing is!!!).  You are done cleaning grease out of your shower.
  1. You voluntarilyput solid, gunky coconut oil in your mouth and swish for 20 minutes every morning while using hand gestures to communicate with your family as to WHY you can’t talk (yet, they CONTINUE to engage in conversation with you – every single day). You clean out the trap under the sink because eyou worry about having leaky trash bags and know that the oil just gums up the drain and drano doesn’t help.
  1. You use patchouli or other essential oils instead of perfume. You’ve tried and tried and finally accept that patchouli smells disgusting. Please everyone, just stop.
  2. Your two year old asks for a “towel” when things get messy at meal time, because he hasno idea what a paper towel is. It was too much damn laundry. And your regard for the environment ends at paper plates/  You kid uses his sleeve, the dog, or another sibling if no paper towels are available.
  1. You have cabinets devoted to mason jars. and half the basement. Half gallons are best. Must have many sharpies for labelling.
  2. You aren’t afraid of your raw milk going bad, because you havea list of things to do with it. You pour it down the drain, because it starts to have a cow smell and you can’t eat Life cereal with it when it gets to that point. See 1.
  3. Your pantry has no boxes, just jars, bags and bins of ingredients. You have all kinds of frozen dinners because you are tired of the kids complaining that there is no food and only ingredients in the house.
  4. Your answer to every ailment is coconut oil, breastmilk, garlic or apple cider vinegar. Your doc calls in antibiotics for you if they have seen the kid in the last year because they know you have seen that crap before and none of it responded to the above home remedies .
  5. When conversation slows down at a dinner party, you show off your latest ferments and tell people what a scoby is (whether they asked or not). You poured that scoby down the toilet years ago. You wait until everyone but the few besties are left and break out the products of fermentation that the masses don’t know about and the kids can’t have.
  6. Your most recent online purchase included any of the following: kefir grains, bentonite clay, tumeric root, beeswax pellets, yogurt starter, cheese making kits, coconut oil, grass-fed gelatin or sea salt. You have a 7 year supply of any of the above items and no one will take any more kefir grains from you.
  7. You brush your dogs teeth with coconut oil, and give them bone broth with their grass-fed beef raw food. You give your dog all the leftovers and table scraps in the vain hope that it will die before the last child leaves.
  8. Friends and family call you witch doctor, forest fairy, tree hugger, shaman, Dr Jones, and texts you pictures of chicken feet (crunchy porn?). Even your doctor says you’ve earned an honorary MD. You hang out with people who work in official capacities and those with letters behind their names because the risk of CPS is real and you have seen it go down with others.
  9. You tell your child “No fermented cod liver oil until you finish your dinner!” No one in the home likes fermented cod liver oil. Chocolate mint flavored?  Really? How dumb do you think we are?
  10. You eat anduse coconut oil at EVERY opportunity.  Reached capacity on this one.
  11. Your kids not only regularly and loudly judge other people’s grocery choices (one of the challenges of raising healthy kids). Your kids reach into other people’s carts to grab the hoho’s, goldfish crackers and marshmallows.
  12. Your kids are always screaming at you for either raw milk, water kefir, or kombucha and every single bath of theirs they request Epsom salts, Bentonite or a combo of both. Just no to the screaming.
  13. Your counters look a little like a science lab because of all the things you are fermenting. All fermenting is done in the basement or upstairs closet.  You drink it late at night.
  14. You know how toproperly prepare your grains (if you even eat grains at all). The kids complain that items made with prepared grains are not flexible enough.
  15. You know yourlocal farmer or are part of a co-op. You had your own tiny farm or homestead and have decided that the 0345 milking time and breaking ice in January for the livestock to get water wasn’t not worth the work.
  16. You are a ingredient list detective. You ad match
  17. Youcompost, garden or own any farm animals. See 37.
  18. You usecloth diapers. Or you would use cloth diapers if you had kids. Cloth diapering was so 15 years ago. Why are people not EC’ing?
  1. You know the definitions grass-fed, free range, pastured, organic and cage free. Your teen boys are eating 18 eggs a day and a gallon of milk. Cost is priority.
  2. You are so over anything fat free. You were never into fat free. That’s why you went on this journey to begin with.  Long live cream-top yogurt!
  1. You have rendered lard. Once is enough.  You realized that you made your oven a greasy mess, were happy it didn’t catch fire, made everything stink like rancid pig and are now keeping kosher.
  1. You know whatsoap nuts are and how to use them. You know that soap nuts don’t work well enough to get rid of teen boy stink.
  1. Your favoritesnacks contain either grass fed gelatin or coconut oil. See 16.
  1. You know how to makebone broth or stock and have done it recently. You will never have enough bone broth to catch up with familial demands.  You hoard it.
  1. You have ever asked the butcher or farmer for “spare parts”. You buried the spare parts in the backyard after butchering your own animals out. The dog promptly dug them up. See 29 and 37.
  1. Your kids recognize obscure vegetables (but grocery store clerks don’t).Your kids know that the only opportunity for packaged food is at the grocery store and lobby to go with you.  See 33.  
  2. You know who Weston A Price is. You have perfected Sally Fallon’s good recipes and purged the crappy tasting ones.
  3. You debate yourself before every birthday party whether to make your guests the food your usually eat. You go to random people’s birthday parties so your kids can get liquored up on sugar on other’s people’s watch and dime.
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